Wanting to Rescue Friend
hey,
a friend forwarded your announcment to me and as i read i, i realized that i DID need advice on something, and i haven't found anyone good to give it to me. so, here goes...
a single mom that i live with recently started having some pretty intense health problems. specifically, she has been hospitalized for several weeks now after having a stroke, and is now in rehab, but unable to speak or walk.
her family live in town, and she had been in communication with them, but they don't really respect her lifestyle choices and she's not into theirs, so their relationship is limited. now her family is, naturally, jumping in to deal with all her business, includinng care of her kid. they are, of course, stressed out and shaken by the whole ordeal (which came on fast). they love her and want her to recover quickly.
the trouble is that they are making decisions about her life that are not in keeping with what we all know she wanted. specifically, she wanted her kid in the custody of a good friend if this happened. the family acknowledges this, but have kept custody themselves. nothing's in writing, of course. i think that they are acting mostly reasonably -- of course they want the kid close to them right now. i also think that they are doing what they think is best for everyone.
because i am her housemate, i am in a position to take on dealing with some of her business while she's unable (not only unable to do it herself, but even to designate someone to do it in the meantime). i really believe (and others close to her agree) that she would rather have her friends up in her business than her family. so i'm keeping track of bills, moving her car, etc., and other people are doing what they have access to.
what i am looking for advice on is this: how do i negotiate this with the family? and how far do i take it? the last thing that i want is for my friend to come out of this feeling like her wishes got bulldozed in her (effective) absense, but the next-to-the last thing i want is to cause the family more stress than they're already under.
also, incidentally, none of us friend-types have a leg to stand on legally, so there's really no sense in taking it that far. but i want to honor who she is in any way i can while supporting her healing. it's a messy situation, and i'm looking for something to focus on as we navigate through it.
please (rad) advise!
Dear Wanting to Rescue Friend,
Sugarhill here, Pandora and I discussed your ordeal together, and here's some of what we came up with. First, I want to commend you for recognizing the complexity of the situation and ultimately wanting to do what's best for your friend. Unfortunately, in most of society in the U.S., communities of friends are not recognized as "knowing what's best" or even given priority over making decisions for friends in need. However, there are so many people who hold their communities as their families whether it be for cultural or political reasons, self-identity, survival, or just relating to them on a more intense, deep level than their blood relatives can and do. This can create a huge rift when the physical or mental health of a person is threatened in such a way that they require outside help-- especially financially-- to get them onto steady ground and to a place where they can make healthy decisions for themselves. I have been privy to a few of these circumstances, and here are some insights I have gained from brave friends attempting to intercept or coordinate with families to do what's best for the person in need.
Community unity is key (excuse the bad rhyme). In order to approach this sticky situation, you need to have a unified group of friends that can and are able to support not only your sick friend, but each other. Trying to support someone that has limited communication and/or thoughts is Extremely draining. If you are ready and willing to help, you all need to know that this is probably not a short-term situation-- your friend probably won't jump up, do cartwheels, and be 100% back to their old self in a month or two.. it might be a year or two or more. Along with the unified front to help your friend, it also helps to delegate who does what-- and switch it up. One person bills, another coordinates (part-time?) childcare, another meals and such. The more people with whom you can spread the responsibility, the better... as long as they are dedicated.
Also, it helps to have one or two liaisons to negotiate/ communicate with the family. They should be people that know the family already, that the family feels comfortable speaking and meeting with.
Okay, now the family negotiations. I believe that once the friend community has met and talked about ideally what you think your friend would need and want (and by the way, people might disagree; it's important to make sure you come to a consensus so you all can support her healing process), it's time to take that to the family via the liaison. You asked how far should you (or whoever is the liaison) take it? I think as far as you--the group--decide you can, and want to. As you said, you don't have any legal standing, so the approach would not be to go to the family and demand they hand over your friend and your friend's child, leave, and not try to support them in any way. From your description the family is acting out of love-- however misguided-- and potentially some guilt for not being more involved with your friend (and not as in touch with her as you all are). Again, it does not sound from your description as if your friend fled an abusive situation; if that was the case, then you all would potentially have some legal standing. In this case though, the guilty, loving family will need to be approached in a loving, empathetic way. There probably will be some painful discussions and even arguments; but the liaisons will have to remain persistent and patient to show the family that you all working to do for her what she would want.
I have one more thing to add. It sounds like you are already somewhat organized with taking care of bills and such; but I am a little worried that you personally might try to take on too much. If you are doing bills, taking care of logistics like that And thinking about talking with the family, that's too much, and you'll burn out. Spread the love, and the support.
Good luck with everything, this could be a long, hard road.
S & P
